I suppose during those really tough times in life everyone is prone to some internal reflection. It is natural to draw inward and reflect on your relationship with God and have regrets that you have not done as well as you could have and should have. We all are fallen people. As I drove in to work today I was again reminded how blessed I am to have such a strong support network going through these tough times. A myriad of thoughts passed my mind and I just had to write them down to capture them before they were forgotten.
I may not know why this is happening but I am firmly convinced that God is in control and it is happening for a reason. I can’t fathom how somebody could go through something this tough without that faith and belief. Because of my faith I trust that God will take care of me and everything will work out well in the end. Because of my faith I know that even if everything doesn’t turn out well in the end God is in control, it will happen exactly as he has designed, and there is a purpose behind what happens.
I am also a firm believer that God uses trials and tribulations to draw us closer to him and that for those of us (like myself) who are very stubborn, the trials are often more difficult to manage. I know that with my personality if everything in life were going great God would take a back seat and I would think that I do not need him. It is sad to say that many people naturally fall under that category of only calling on God in great times of need. I believe God allows these trials in our life as a constant reminder that we do need him. 2 Corinthians 2 : 7 – 9 have been my mantra in this belief. In this passage the apostle Paul is quoted:
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
This is a very powerful and loaded passage to me. There has been a lot of speculation on what this thorn in the flesh is but that is beside the point. While most of us may have not had a surpassingly great revelation, I believe we all suffer with one or more thorns in the flesh as a constant reminder that God is in control and we are weak humans who are in need of his fellowship, mercy, and healing. It is a reminder that we are saved by grace not works and that it is okay if we are a mess. To God we are a beautiful mess. We will all fall down but we will be fine as long as we realize the important part is that we get back up and continue moving in the right direction rather than continue to lay on our face wallowing in our failure and self pity. It is also a reminder that God uses the most horrible things in our life for his glory. Certainly we should take notice when someone who has seemingly never had difficulty says I am truly blessed and God is good. But to me the most powerful stories are those where people have a sordid and scarred past and say I was the lowliest of the low, not worth anything in people’s eyes, I have done horrible things, but God saw me and loved me anyway and has really turned my life around. It may sound crazy to others but I believe that without weakness and tribulations our character is never truly tested and our witness is weakened.
I also believe that God has had a strong hand in these current trials. Many may consider it coincidence but I consider it Providence. I will give you just a few examples although I could really go on and on for a long time. Before I was diagnosed with Chiari and Syringomyelia I was struggling with back pain and looking for alternatives. My mother-in-law suggested a DO as an alternative to a chiropractor. I asked my doctor about it and lo and behold there was a DO in her office although she informed me that they were very hard to find in NC. Fortunately for me he did not do neck, head, and upper spine adjustments. I did not know at that time but that would have been disastrous for somebody with Chiari. I now know that if you ask a reputable Chiropractor to do a neck, head, or upper spine adjustment and they are aware you have Chiari they will refuse to work on you. I have read the phrase “like throwing a match in a gas tank” in regards to having adjustments. The timing was also fortuitous as we are now beginning preparing to begin the adoption process. I can’t imagine how tough it would have been on my wife if we had actually adopted a little one and she suddenly had to take care of both me and an infant. Or worse if we were notified that there was a baby we could adopt but we had to turn down the adoption and put the process on hold to sort this surgery out. I have no proof but also now believe that our previous miscarriages may be partially if not fully my fault simply because there is no proof but much evidence that Chiari is hereditary and many Chiarians have children with Chiari as well. I can’t help but think it is not coincidence that our pregnancies terminated at the exact same week and day each time and it just so happened that this was during the beginnings of the brain development stage. Also the fact that I have not had the opportunity to take a vacation and have plenty of sick leave and vacation leave built up and that my wife works from home so she will be much better equipped to help support me post surgery is very helpful. As I said I could go on and on about how all the pieces of the puzzle just have fit together perfectly.
I have also been very blessed to have such a strong and supportive Church family. We are a small group but a very close, devoted, and supportive group. If you are in the Durham area and are looking for a church family you should check us out at www.peacecovenant.org and www.facebook.com/peacecovenant. While I live in Wake Forest my surgery will be in Durham and the support and well wishes I have received from my Church and Work families has been humbling.
And lastly I will be loading up my iPod in preparation for surgery with some inspirational music from Casting Crowns which is my absolute favorite Christian group. If you have not heard them before I would highly recommend checking them out. I have always struggled in the past with thoughts that God could never possibly love me because I am not good enough. At a particularly low time I heard my first Casting Crowns song “East to West” which was and continues to be a good reminder and immensely helpful. When going through life’s trials their “Every Man” and “Praise You in this Storm” have gotten me through and continue to be my favorite songs to date. Possibly because those are the first I heard or possibly just because the message in them is so powerful and meaningful. At any rate I will be loading them up this evening to try and keep me going strong and positive throughout the surgery and recovery.
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