Today has been a very good day pain-wise so far. It is a bit frustrating that I still don’t know what causes a day to be better or worse. But I’ll take any good times that come my way.
I am still continuing to learn daily. Such as squatting as a pain-free alternative to bending over. And using my elbows to ease myself down onto the pillow in bed so less strain is put on my neck and shoulders causing less pain.
I am truly realizing what all of the complaints about lack of after-care mean. My doctors provide reasonable care but I imagine they are just as clueless as I am. While there is a common set of symptoms that may indicate CM and/or SM, not everybody experiences them. I was recently reminded by a Facebook friend of this when I was feeling down as she mentioned that her husband’s head pain lead to a diagnosis while in my case there was no head pain but instead back pain.
It almost tends to isolate you if you aren’t careful. There are certainly fantastic support groups and people out there who are on a similar journey as you and can empathize and provide strength and support. The fact still remains however that we are all on an individual journey. Our symptoms are similar but not the same, the surgeries performed to alleviate the symptoms are also different. There is no standard way of performing this surgery, it is really left up to each surgeon’s theories, creativity, and style. And of course our recoveries all look very different in many cases.
My parents are coming tomorrow to help support me and provide some relief for Adri. I think I can honestly say I have never looked as forward to them coming before as I do now. I am constantly overwhelmed at the level of support and encouragement I have been receiving from family and friends. It causes such emotion just thinking about everyone sending thoughts, prayers, get well wishes, and going out of their way to help. I can’t help but think every time I look at the mantle and dresser overflowing with cards that I don’t deserve this. It is almost incomprehensible to me.
As I have stated in previous posts I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. While I can never fully understand the reasoning behind this trial, I do believe I have learned the lesson I was meant to learn. My priorities have been drastically wrong for a very long time. I have known this but was never willing to admit it before. Looking back over the past few weeks at everything I had wanted (and needed) to accomplish, it is just a dramatic illustration of this fact. I have been stubborn and selfish for a long time. When I am brutally honest and look at where I have been focusing my time on personal projects I am ashamed. Focusing on the accomplishments I have had on the projects I have spent the most time on recently, my reaction is raw. So what? What does it matter? That is meaningless. The things that have true life value and needed my attention were instead left at the bottom of my list of “to-dos” and neglected as always, telling myself there will always be time to get to them later.
So what do we do when we finally come to realize we never gave proper attention to those things that we should have excusing ourselves by saying there will always be time later, and we realize there is no more time? There is nothing left but regret. I can understand now in some fashion how somebody can get to the end of their life and regret the decisions they made and the way they spent their time. Fortunately, I have time to change this and adjust. While I may have less “good times” to “accomplish” things when you focus on what truly needs your time and attention suddenly there seems no sense of good or bad times or accomplishment. The truly substantial and meaningful things in life aren’t task oriented. Will you honestly look back on a time in your life when you made the “right” decision to spend time with your spouse as a bad time because you were in pain and it wasn’t a good day from a recovery sense? Likely not. You will cherish those moments more than when you were having a good day but chose to spend your time poorly. Likewise would you have love your spouse or spend time with your family as an accomplishment on your life resume or a task on your checklist? No, just framing it in that context immediately cheapens the experience and meaning of the moment.
This time in my life has allowed me the most internal reflection and personal evaluation ever. And has been the biggest test of my faith and my character ever. It has also brought me to a true understanding of what the phrase “born again” means. Growing up you hear this phrase tossed around a lot, many times casually and seemingly without meaning. I always wondered what that meant. Growing up with faith in a Christian household I always had my doubts because I had never had “the experience” that everybody talks about, something to remember where something snapped and you saw life differently and new everything was going to be different from now on. I have outwardly done what I was supposed to do, followed the checklist, the whole time wondering when there would be more and if I was missing something because I just couldn’t seem to achieve that close relationship or comfort with God that the “born again” speak of. Today I understand. The convergence of several events including these thoughts today has made me understand.
I enjoyed a visit with our pastor Matthew today who briefly explained the scriptural background for anointing for healing. He then anointed me while saying a prayer for healing. The portion of this whole experience that stuck out to me was the portion of the prayer where he prayed for the spirit to come on me anew. That has stuck with me because it made me realize that has been my prayer this whole time. But I wasn’t doing my part. I said come on in but these doors are locked, you can’t go in there. And I know you want me to change these things but I feel really comfortable with the way things are and we can worry about that later. It doesn’t take long before it is obvious your welcoming words are just that …. words and your actions are really not welcoming at all.
So today with all of the trials I have been through recently, the meaningful moments I have experienced, the introspection, I truly feel I understand these words I could never make sense of before. I admit my faults and while I know I will never be perfect I am tired of the way things are. I do feel “born again”. I see things, and feel things, and understand things differently now. Things that had been there the whole time but I just couldn’t seem to grasp. And after all of the failures and rawness is stripped away, the only thing left is …. hope.
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